This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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