My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
