i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
