Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
