I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
