we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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