When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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