Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
