dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
