last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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