Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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