all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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