yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
