Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
