Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!