you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
