I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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