I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
