can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
