Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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