i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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