just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
