Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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