I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
