he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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