I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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