I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
