I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
