I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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