I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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