He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
