Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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