Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
