It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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