in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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