every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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