awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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