Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
