...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
