I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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