Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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