All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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