This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
