but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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