Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
