Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
