and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
