i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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