he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
