Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
