We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
