I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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