your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you would pick up someone in the library
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
