i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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