i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Life is so much better after having sex.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
