im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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