Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
