Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
